How to Creep Out Online Daters
Online dating is a fickle thing. It is extremely rare to get a message from someone that is longer than a couple sentences, and it is usually so mundane that it hardly warrants reading, much less response.
I like to be elaborate when messaging people. I like to find something within their profile, and attempt initiating conversation with something creative and quirky. It never seems to work, though. Within the online dating universe, creativity and obscurity are often akin to the clinically insane and rapey. My penchant for vivid-gibberish, while a rarity, is more a double-edged sword that puts primarily women, and understandably so, in the judges seat to determine whether you are unique or a murderer.
During one of my casual strolls through OkCupid, I happened upon a young woman who stated she spent a lot of time pondering the future origins of the Zombie and Robot Apocalypse. Well, that sounded quirky and unique. Surely, she couldn’t be opposed to some creative input in the form of an introductory message? So within a period of 20 minutes, I wrote my message as follows:
Well, you see, the year will be 2026. How do I know this? Don’t worry about it. It’s a marvel the very fabric of the universe hasn’t collapsed upon itself with this much disclosure already, but listen carefully and perhaps you will see the truth.
PETA, in hopes of saving the many unfortunate animals of the world from a life of testing, began research on Genetic Genesis, creating the basic outline of life, without sentience or emotion, thus allowing them to test medicine without a negative impact on an innocent creature. What followed was a series of events more catastrophic than any animal test could have been.
When one takes away the biological necessities for life to exist, one takes away it’s limitations to spread, and that is exactly what happened. Any exposure to the bloodstream from injection, wound or even transferred from saliva via a bite, caused infection. The infection caused all bodily systems to shutdown, sparing only those necessary for the host to continue on and spread the infection further. An undying sense of hunger was sufficient to keep the hosts active, and more than likely, unwittingly carrying the infection further. Pain was no deterrent for those infected, and their bodies could withstand great trauma before finally dying. Desperate measures had to be taken to fight them. Nuclear means were used on multiple occasions to curb the onslaught, but even if they were able to destroy them all, it would leave the world an inhospitable wasteland.
Dr. Richard Weiss and Dr Kyo Yurosaki were on the front-line of Robotic Research when the epidemic began and completely halted their studies. That was until the UN pulled them in to a research team to help end the plague. Knowing that a normal soldier would more than likely end up becoming part of the problem, they began working on Sentient Mechanisms that could not only destroy their enemy without risk of infection, but would be able to actively hunt down the infected. It was a wonderful success, but not everyone was pleased with it’s results.
Evangelical Extremist, Mike Huckabee viewed the plague as a message from God as punishment for our human sins, and believed by ending the plague, we were fighting against the will of God. He infected the primary server that the robots were all connected to with a virus that caused them to lose the ability to discern whether an individual was infected or not. Huckabee was gunned down by the Robots and access to the prime server was virtually impossible due to the level of defense in it’s vicinity.
2026, and mankind’s population has dwindled to only a few thousand across the globe. The infected have also dwindled drastically and since maintenance cannot be performed on the robots, their numbers have also reduced, yet both of their numbers are exponentially larger than man’s. Man struggles to hang on, and all due to their own folly. An experiment meant to only help the human race further, was the catalyst to their own destruction. An experiment that began on December 21st 2012.
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No response has been received as of yet…
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